Rewriting With Intent: A Paragraph Transformed

Here is a bit of my editing process, using a single paragraph as an example.

First Draft

My First Draft is where I focus on getting something—anything—onto the page. The “Shitty First Draft.” The “Vomit Draft.” The paragraph I want to share comes from a chapter that didn’t exist at all in this draft.

Second Draft

My Second Draft is where I finally understand what story I’ve been writing and focus on filling in gaps that are now obvious or cutting extraneous bits.

In this case, I realized I needed a new scene between one of the point-of-view (POV) characters and his betrothed. After a long brainstorming session, I sketched out the key beats. The one that most closely matches the paragraph in question reads:

He intends to call after her but realizes, ‘What can he say? He’s made his choice.’

The next morning, I wrote the new chapter in a white heat and emailed it to myself. Here’s one paragraph:

If this had been Marcia and Gnaeus, he would have mounted a defense. Deployed every figure of rhetoric, every debate strategy, to justify his actions as the greater good. Every technique of persuasion to explain why he still had feeling for their daughter. Every influence strategy to persuade them to reschedule the wedding. But this was Thalassa, and she deserved honest words, not rhetoric. (64 words)

Why an email? I often find I can write with more creative energy when I’m not staring at the rest of the manuscript—or the clutter of Word’s UI.

Third Draft

The Third Draft is where I revisit the novel character by character, POV by POV, ensuring each has a distinctive voice, clear motivation, and evocative mannerisms.

I’ve been working through this POV for the past week, and I left this chapter for last because I expected it to be the most raw. When I got to it, I was pleasantly surprised to discover it wasn’t half-bad.

Here’s the revised version of that same paragraph:

If this had been Marcia and Gnaeus, he would have mounted a defense. Deployed every debate strategy to justify his actions as the greater good. Every figure of rhetoric to convey his feelings for their daughter. Every argument for rescheduling the wedding. But this was Thalassa, and she deserved honesty, not oratory. (52 words)

What I Changed (and Why)

• Created three parallel sentences. Each now has a single objective and a single technique, giving the paragraph a cleaner, more deliberate rhythm.
• Reassigned “figure of rhetoric.” I moved it to the sentence about conveying his feelings, where it pairs well with “their daughter” and avoids duplicating “persuade.”
• Removed “influence strategy.” It felt too corporate-training; “argument” is simpler, cleaner, and more in character.
• Replaced the second “rhetoric” with “oratory.” Thank you, powerthesaurus.org. It avoids repetition and adds a slightly more formal register.
• Changed “honest words” to “honesty.” I liked the echo between honesty and oratory—a mix of vocalic alliteration and assonantal resonance. In other words, they sound good together.

Parting Thoughts

That’s my process. The novel isn’t finished. I still have at least one more revision ahead (spell-check, grammar, the Seven Drafts checklist), and this passage may change again. But I’m happy with where it is now, and I hope you found this glimpse into my process interesting.