Yesterday I was on about how I read differently now that I've returned to writing, picking up and retaining stylistic tips, and how I find inspiration from novels outside my genre of focus. Here's an example.
This morning, I halted my read of Tana French's The Keeper when I came upon this line:
The corner of Mrs. Duggan’s mouth curls at that. “I heard what you’ve been at,” she says. “I was watching you, up in the hotel. You want something big.”
Why did Ms. French (or a line editor) feel the need to add an extra 'she says when the speaker is already clearly identified. Writing-workshop advice says to remove redundant dialogue tags or try to replace them with something more interesting. For example:
The corner of Mrs. Duggan’s mouth curls at that. “I heard what you’ve been at. I was watching you, up in the hotel. You want something big.”
—or—
The corner of Mrs. Duggan’s mouth curls at that. “I heard what you’ve been at.” She studied Lena. “I was watching you, up in the hotel. You want something big.”
I spent fifteen minutes thinking about this, and now a further thirty writing this post. Here's what I think is going on.
Ms. French is using 'she says’ as a free pause that implies a bunch of things without naming them explicitly. Perhaps Mrs. Duggan is studying Lena to see her reaction (as I suggested in the second example above). Perhaps she is gathering her thoughts. Either way, it presents Mrs. Dugan as a cunning gossip-monger, something already established in this and previous novels, but now we see it in action.
Removing 'she says’ runs the dialog together, making Mrs. Dugan seem breathless and eager and a bit reckless, none of which fits her personality.
Swapping 'she says' for 'She studies Lena' or even 'she says, studying Lena' adds an excessive pause and spells it out. Not wrong, but it doesn't trust the reader's imagination at all.
Now that's out of the way, I can resume reading. But I also have a side project to go through my latest work-in-progress and find examples where I could apply this technique, either to add a mini-pause for emphasis or replace a heavy-handed gesture, especially a well-worn 'glance' or 'look.'
What's the last technique you noticed when reading that you incorporated into your own writing?
